Where's a Metrosexual When I Need One?

First off, I need to define metrosexuals for my readers (namely, older relatives who may not be familiar with the term). Let's see if Merriam-Webster has a listing. Hmmm. Whaddya know? They do!

Here's what it says: a usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes. The term is said to have been coined in 1994.

You may not know this about me, but I'm pretty metrosexual-friendly. In other words, I hate sloppy men, AKA slobs. This also sets me up to be one, first-rate fag hag. Put a straight-seeming, good looking, fragrance wearing, well-dressed gay man in front of me - and I'm in love.

I know, it's pathetic. Yes, I'm sure I've dated a bi guy or two, and probably at least one gay man in my life. If you're thinking, "Maybe that's why she's still single," hush.

I have lately wondered: do true metrosexuals really exist? Men who are neat, tidy, clean, and...straight, without one gay bone in their body?

If I think about most of my friends' husbands, some are slobs and yes, some are metrosexuals. A friends' late brother definitely fit the bill. He was handsome and dressed well and had his eyebrows waxed. While I don't know if he was in danger of a unibrow if left unwaxed, he was definitely a metrosexual and very heterosexual if you know what I mean.

I have another friend whose husband is also a metrosexual. He is well-groomed, well-dressed and has better taste when it comes to decorating (she's the first one to admit it) than she does. Again, nothing gay about this guy.

The reason for my existential angst?

Because I'm in Seattle & the rules are different here. I'm pretty sure that almost every metrosexual is indeed gay. The metrosexual phenomenon isn't as nuanced here as it is in other places I've lived. For starters, Seattlites aren't exactly known for their fashion sense. In fact, most should be hauled off by the fashion police (if only they existed!)

Yes, it's dreadfully stereotypical here. The prototypical male wears a plaid shirt and has a scruffy beard and longish scraggly hair. Yuck! As a fag hag, I find this horribly offensive. I can't tell you what the rest of the outfit consists of because I stop looking at this point and divert my eyes to anything else. Even my 80-year old father makes fun of them. It's depressing.

Then there are the hipsters. Puke again. Luckily they are usually out of my age-range and tattooed and pierced. Really - could you get enough tats & studs? It's not like there's just one and it's tasteful. Usually they're covered in both ink and jewelry. So not attractive in my book.

Then that leaves the rest of the male population here in Seattle. Let me just rant for a moment - I've never come across so many closeted gay men in my life! Let me just tell you, Seattle is not as progressive as Seattle thinks it is! Yes they recycle - great! Yes they ride their bikes - get the fuck out of my way! Yes they compost - good for you! But on a regular basis, I'll see an obviously gay man with a wedding ring on and wonder (after living in LA for 18 years), "Where's his husband?" and then gasp in shock when a woman appears. I want to shriek, "Does your wife know you're gay?"

It seems like after living in LA, where I know gay men who have adopted children (God bless them!), that I'm ruined for the Pacific Northwest. When I lived in Vegas, I dated three delightful metros. Just delightful. I'm feeling out of sorts here. I need a metrosexual fix.

Somebody, help!