Look, don’t ever go to an audition drunk. It’s not like I was drunk, drunk. It all happened innocently enough. You see, I was at the ballet, Don Quixote, in fact. Sitting next to me was a six year-old hellion who wouldn’t shut up. No one had taught her to use her ballet voice, you know, whisper? Her grandmother was very nice and said, yes, the little dear was rambunctious and longingly gazed at the perfect child sitting in front of us and asked why her grandchild couldn’t be like that?
By the second intermission I couldn’t take it. Oh, and did I mention that the two women sitting behind me were also going at it as well? Talking, that is. They wouldn’t stop. The lights go up after the second act and I make a beeline straight for the bar and order a glass of champagne. By the time I got back to my seat, everything was all right with the world. The little cretin’s voice didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I just laughed. Everything was so much better.
After the ballet, I left McCaw Haw and crossed Seattle Center to where I had an audition for a short-film. This director was supposedly a big deal for Seattle. Even though he was originally from New York, he had attended Evergreen State College where he befriended Kurt Cobain. He befriended him, not the other way around. And we all know Kurt Cobain was a drug addict. Maybe this director was no great shakes after all. One thing I should mention, though, he was the recipient of a Guggenheim Fellowship. That’s a big deal. This was someone I want to know, right?
So, I go to my audition and while I wasn’t anywhere near drunk, I was, let’s say, a bit more relaxed and exuberant than usual. I was friendly. When I walked in the director mentioned that I had impressed him by sending him a headshot for the part of the nurse where I was dressed, well, as a nurse. That’s where the compliments started and that’s where they ended. It all went to hell after that.
He gave me some direction and when I went in to deliver my line (which involved me moving, walking actually), I didn’t cheat the camera enough and I wound up with my the back of my head facing the camera. You know, the kiss of death for an actor. We all know that’s the #1 think you don’t do. Ever. That’s the first thing you learn in Acting 101 for crying out loud. Shit, I knew better. Luckily he let me do a couple more takes, but the damage was most likely already done. Fuck. Just shoot me now.
